Thursday's Second Post: "What Are You Afraid Of?"

Today I was asked the question (Partially not true because I was asked Monday and it’s now Thursday and I’m finally finishing “some” of my thoughts):
“What are you afraid of?”

My mind immediately warned me that this was not the time nor place to dive into anything philosophical/metaphysical/theological. So (knowing good and well it wouldn’t fly) I simply said “I’m not really afraid of anything”. Well, I was right and that answer didn’t fly. That person quickly responded back “well then it should be easy for you to answer the question”. He was right and it was easy for me to answer but the answer without explanation came out sounding like a cop-out.

All day today (remember I started this Monday) I kept revisiting the question. Although I am still a little stumped as to why it was asked, I like (in an obsessive compulsive way) how it made me think.

At first I was thinking about how complex the question is. Am I afraid of what is tangible? What is unknown? The definition of afraid has many explanations; fear, regret, unwilling. And biblically fear is presented/described as respect. So with all of these definitions how does one quickly answer such a question?

I recently made the conscious decision that I would no longer be bound by fear. And what is fear anyway, but a strong-hold/vicious power that keeps us searching, lazy, insecure, and unaccountable (just to name a few). Fear puts you at the center of your life and this in my experience is a pretty lonely place, a place lacking in so many ways and highly destructive.

Now I’m human, I have feelings of frustration, hopelessness, (to get more extreme) and devastation. However, I also have feelings of hope, faith and devotion. The good helps me digest the bad. In life comes death and I’m not just talking in human existence, think of it as beginning and ending. Are we to be afraid to start if perhaps we aren’t able (for this that and the other reason) to finish? There is courage in starting, commitment to finish and so many things in between.

To be overly dramatic we could then ask the questions: why live if we are to die? Why love if it could just be met with hate? Who would want to live this way? And worse how sad is it that some do? To me it is such an unnecessary weight to carry especially when you can be saved out of it.

Now this subject/this question, I could go on and on with my thoughts and just for the record, I probably will. I will write part 2, 3, 4 to this question of fear and ask anyone to make comments answering this question. It’s been almost a week, the question was asked Monday and I’m just now finishing this posting and it’s Thursday. I’ve managed to continue (again the OCD) to think about this question almost convincing myself of certain horrid situations that would be “frightening”, nice thoughts I know! So I will collect more of my thoughts and revisit the subject.

Until next time I leave you to think about….”What are you afraid of?”

To Steal Or Not To Steal

Ok, so I'm sure I'm breaking every bloggers rule on posting fellow bloggers entries BUT this is too good to pass up!

I'm a huge fan (as is all of America it seems) of Dooce. Heather Armstrong's blog is nationally recognized and she recently posted "Rite of Passage". This entry isn't hers but from Sweet Juniper, another blog that Heather enjoys. So if you're still following me, this is my blog, I love Heather's blog and she loves Jim's blog.

I hope you enjoy reading "Rite of Passage" as much as I did and while you're there take a look at her other entries.

I'm sorry to say that I've been caught up in being a Mother to a potty-training son that I've never thought about the Father to the potty-training daughter. Here I post about my son wanting to "pee pee like Daddy" and me seriously considering either tie-dying my lovely white shower curtain or connecting the dots to see what sort of graphic appears but I can not even begin to imagine the filth Jim describes in this posting.

From this day forward I will be very thankful for the cleanliness in women's restrooms. I will also give thanks to all who clean Men's restrooms for it sounds like a real sh*t hole!

Wrinkles and Fire Flies

e: Why's that shirt up there Mommy?
/The shirt hanging on the shower curtain rod/
me: To get the wrinkles out e.
e: /looking into the tub/ I see one Mommy ...
/pointing to a dirt spec/
me: You see what e?
e: I see a wrinkle! it fell out!

I called it a dirt "spec" cause just plain-ol dirt sounds like I keep a dirty bathroom...it was just a spec, yep! I giggled and did my best to explain that wrinkles don't literally fall out. I think he would have understood me using an iron better but who uses those?!! when you have wrinkle release!

Last night we had a great visit with our friend Andrea. After school we headed to the loop and enjoyed dinner at Saleems "Where Garlic Is King". After all our bellies where full we said good night and headed home.

It was a bit past bed time so I was eager to get him to bed. Just as I was unlocking the door I got a glimpse of a lightening bug. "Fire Flies"' I shouted to e. At first he didn't know what I was talking about but as we crept up on some he was able to see a few up close and personal in my hands. Once we saw one the courtyard seemed to light up.

As soon as I would catch one he wouldn't want to light up. I explained that they were scared and would set them free. Then, to a wide-eyed little boy, I gave the comparison of a giant capturing him up in his hands and demanding a performance. We said good night and that we'd see them later.

e: Those flies turn off and on.
me: They do e! Do they have a switch?
e: /In a silly and why would you think that? voice/ Noooooo!

Happy Father's Day!

Yesterday was an amazing day, I was baptized! For some of you this is surprising news and for others you were there to witness it. For some I ask you to read this with an open mind and heart for I respect it will be...well, "different" and perhaps a bit "odd" to read.

I've posted a picture my good friend Karl took of the special day. I've also included my testimony and some journal entries. The journal entries were important for me to post because these are personal messages that carried me to this special day, notes of inspiration along my journey from the beginning.

I was thankful to have e and my Mother attend. I prepped e the following evening and the conversation went something like this:
me: "e tomorrow is a special day, we're going to go to Church and then to a party. At Church there is going to be a little pool and I'm going to go under the water cause I love Jesus. Grandma is going to hold you so you can see and all our friends will cheer. Afterwards our friends are going to have a party for Mommy and we'll eat and play, how does all that sound?" e: "Can I go in with you Mommy?" me: "One day e if you choose." e: "I love Jesus too." me: "I know e, one day. One day when you are old enough to write your story. e, what would your story say?" e: "hmmm, I love Jesus." me: "That's nice buddy."

He thought it was pretty fun. He came to give me a hug as I toweled off. My Mom also shared that as Bryan was praying for myself and Martin (the other person being Baptized) e stood there like a solider with his hands clasped listening behind me.

Ok, so I've probably given his father a heart attack...HA! kidding (well, kind of) and I can't promise there won't be some "faithful" comment next time he jumps into his kiddie pool.

My testimony:
Good morning, my name is Jodi Hertz and I am thankful to spend such an amazing day with my family of God. I grew up in the South, raised Catholic and as a newborn unaware of the commitment being made was baptized in a ritualistic ceremony.

I am now 34 years old, a Mommy to an amazing little boy Elliott and am today with humble pride announcing my commitment to Christ. This day for me represents; encouragement, accountability, discipline, integrity, commitment, unconditional love and hope. This day also represents my transformation from someone who simply respected faiths, into someone who is growing in a real relationship with Jesus.

Before Christ I carried the weight of life upon my own shoulders. I didn’t value anything greater than myself. I gave greater weight to symbolism, taking whatever appealed to me from all kinds of other belief systems. I failed to recognize the need of God’s Love in my heart. What I began to notice was that I repeatedly continued to feel empty and unfulfilled.

My relationship with Elliott’s father was dissolving and I was faced with the harsh reality that my life was not the one I wanted to live, and I did not have as much control over it as I had thought. This time of hurt cultivated my relationship with Jesus. One night I was praying out to some of my ‘gods’, and yet I was overwhelmed with the feeling that Jesus was near. Just as a Mother would tuck in her child, I felt safe in His loving company as I laid to rest. I was met and accepted just as I was, and was asked nothing but to welcome Him into my heart.

I am thankful for all my dear friends who along my journey with Christ helped guide my path. Now, I live life with great hope, trusting my hand in the Lords. I live a life in a committed, faithful and loving relationship with Jesus Christ.

“Look beyond the sun not below the clouds.” –Terry Virgo


Note: Click on the images to view larger.

Big Boy!

e is officially in underwear! Over the weekend Scott managed a full day of e in his big boy underwear. Monday I started practicing at home after school. Today after discussing it with his teachers we have made the plunge! Yikes! I will be putting plastic over all the furniture as soon as we get home...HA!

I checked in with school this afternoon and they shared he's doing a great job.

Great job e! Love you buddy!

Lately...

It has been difficult not having access to post more entries. My intention was to have many more, daily as it had started. We have been busy but without checking in I feel like I'm forgetting a lot of fun/funny moments with e. So what has been going on lately...

I traveled over the weekend and e spent time with his Dad. On Sunday driving back from my retreat I called to check in. e had been sick but during the afternoon was much better, he jumped on the phone and for the first time I heard him say "I miss you". I told him first and then he expressed it as well. At first I thought it might have been just a copy impulse but my "I love you" was met with silence...HA. Where ever it came from, whatever it meant, it was great to hear.

Speaking of saying "I love you" we now put with it "very much" his sounds like "berry much"...and when he says it out of the blue, it's the best!

Speaking of "out of the blue", pretty cute when he expresses "I'm happy Mommy".

His vocabulary is just soaring! As Scott mentions from time to time, when you are away from him it's amazing to hear all the new words, expressions, etc. Some of my favorites are "remember that?", "who does that belong to?", and some of his songs we sing together like "abc's", "the Jesus song" and "Beautiful Moon".

Beautiful Moon is a song/lullaby that I've been singing to him since he was first born. On some vintage flash cards of lullabies I married two and not knowing the proper melodies I made them up in good ol Mommy fashion. Now we sing the song together, he knows all the words and it's quite special.

It's fun to play catch-up! I love you e, very much!

The Other Morning

Saturday was a full day for E, I should say the weekend was jam packed. Friday was the funeral then E spent the night with Daddy, had a full day Saturday swimming in his new pool and then off to my house where we immediately jumped into the car and headed to a (very fun) BBQ.

Elliott slept wonderfully that night, not a peep from him until around 5:50am. He walked into my room, I scooped him up and he fell back asleep cuddled up with me until 8:00am. When he woke I was already getting ready for church. I came to him and with a grin on his face and while wiping away the visit from the sand man he said.....

"I like pepper Mommy and you like salt."

Must have been one silly dream.